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[09 Sep 2009|11:23pm] |
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If all I ever had in my life was live music, I'd be happy forever. Seeing Jake, Clayton, Colin and Colin's friend play Tom Waits into Pixies into Beach Boys is the perfect way to wind down and let go.
I don't know what I'm going to do. My inability to commit is happening 6 months early and that bothers me. Will no one ever be good enough for me? I feel sick and worried about this. Worried about work too. This is calming me down and it'll bite me in the ass later when I still haven't called when midnight rolls around. I'm healing myself and I need this.
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[31 Aug 2009|05:55pm] |
I'm laying on my stomach on the floor of my new room in my new house. My housemates are gone. I need to finish cleaning up so I can go over to Andy's. I don't want to be by myself.
I'm coming to terms with money problems - not my parents' or other peoples' problems. Mine. It's not like I'll struggle or starve, I am just starting to realize how little money one thousand dollars really is when you owe someone a security deposit and you have to buy your books soon and you haven't bought any new clothes in ages.
Really I just want to go clothes shopping because I'm sad about the fact that I don't have anything I think is beautiful to wear. It's the stupidest thing ever and I thought I was better than that but apparently not.
I miss something and I don't know what.
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[23 Jul 2009|04:27am] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
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music |
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Dave and Trevor mixing |
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The radio station is changing. Everything I loved about it is going away and I don't want any part of it anymore.
Work is hard. They are expecting a lot of me and I feel like nothing I do will ever meet those expectations. I want to look at it as "rising to the challenge", but i'm so exhausted. I'm just now starting to really respect the hard work AnnaMarie and Dale do. I'm so exhausted and they're working like this all year.
My job at the radio station is going to be completely different next year and I want no part of what they have in store for me. Instead of selecting the best and most relevant music out there for the listeners, I will be no more than a meter maid. I'll be making sure everyone fits the new format and, "confront the offenders", or at least that's what the new job description says. Not only is this not what I was hired for, it's not something i'm good at and i'd never have applied if I knew I was signing up for this.
I don't take too kindly to the old bait-and-switch.
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[03 Jul 2009|07:34am] |
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mood |
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like a kicked puppy |
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In the last few days, two people have told me to follow my heart. John Portelli, a man I respect deeply, and Trev, someone I care very deeply for, have told me to go with my heart, to listen to my heart.
The heart's a fickle thing though, and tonight my heart is silent.
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[12 Jun 2009|07:20am] |
I'm cleaning out my Munson room. Tomorrow is checkout day, and all the shit I have but don't really need is in seven or eight plastic bags on the couch. I won't miss this room - I said goodbye to it months ago when I moved in with Cameron and had the most blissful month of my life. I was truly happy, I knew it, and I appreciated every second. I said goodbye to that room right before Cameron left the apartment forever last week. I said goodbye to the creek outside the window and the shadows the leaves made on the ceiling. The last thing we did, Davey, Cameron, Zach, Trev and I, was sit on the hot shingles on the roof just above the creek, and we smoked and talked.
Leaving this room is no big though. Summer is here and that means opportunity. I want to do a lot of things, and I will do a lot.
Back to cleaning though.
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[09 Jun 2009|11:23am] |
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For some reason, as of late I feel as though I can't do anything right. I'm going to fail my Psych class. No matter what I do, my relationships with the people in my immediate circle are slowly fraying. I feel like i'm no longer a part of any friend group and like the number of people I care for is dwindling rapidly. Most worrying, however, is the way i've been feeling about myself lately - less than in love, to say the least. I am noticing, more and more often, my many character flaws and problems - I am absentminded, disorganized, clumsy, often directionless, I mumble, I whine, I fuss and bitch and moan, I cut people off when they're talking, blah blah blah. So what's with this, why am I so critical? It hurts, god i'm in pain and I just want it to be summer because for some stupid reason I think that'll solve something.
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[01 May 2009|09:10pm] |
This afternoon while I dozed I couldn't help but feel like I'll never love another room as much as I love the one I'm staying in now. I love the posters on the wall, the red christmas lights, and I love the memory foam on the floor that is my bed. Above all, I love the sound of the creek outside. It's beautiful. The room symbolizes something beautiful to me - the happiness I feel now is paramount. I am blessed to have such amazing people in my life. I love the relationships I have with the people around me, each is different and somehow they all mesh so pleasantly.
Tonight is pong at Chris's.
I can't believe I have to leave this apartment in May.
Although, living with Clayton and British Josh next year will be absolutely fucking amazing. I can not wait.
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[20 Apr 2009|06:34pm] |
All my strength and resolve has come crashing down on me in this one sequence of events - my delayed flight, missing my flight home, for some reason, today I cannot be a grown up. Even though I told myself to buck up on the plane, I couldn't and I won't. Today I am not a woman. I am two again and i'm in tears in an airport bathroom stall.
All of this topped off by the fact that everyone who knows I smoke judges me on that fact. What happened to you being my friends? (Pay no mind, that's the two-year-old talking)
I miss Cameron and Dave. I want Ellensburg. I want my simple town. I want to go to school and work. I hate it here.
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[12 Apr 2009|05:38am] |
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mood |
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ecstatic. |
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music |
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Lightsonic by Groove Armada |
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From my phone.
I am so in love with this moment. I find myself in that situation with that feeling more and more often. Being in the backseat of my jetta mobbing around with Davey driving and Cam choosing the perfect songs for us to roll into Seattle to. Star Guitar is my Seattle driving song.
I wish you could have seen the smile on my face as we rode the viaduct and saw the lights while the Chemical Brothers trilled.
You should feel what I feel, you should take what I take.
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[08 Apr 2009|09:19am] |
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Yes, the euphoria is gone. It's okay though. I am still kind, and now that my throat is feeling a little better I'm not in as cranky of a mood. Having a sore throat yesterday sucked balls. Just another good reason to quit smoking. I had my last one with Willie and an iced coffee outside the SURC. I need to hang out with them again.
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[06 Apr 2009|07:37pm] |
Ever since that Tuesday, I've felt some strange euphoria bubbling me up. I've never been happier in my life than I have in these past weeks, and it's incredible. For some reason, my happiness is starting to fade. I wonder if it's the mj that's making me irritable or even just down. I wonder if it's not eating. I want to eat but most of the time I just refrain because coffee is better. When I quit smoking I'll get fat as shit. I'm quitting after my last pack. Since I opened it this morning, my friends have smoked half the pack and I smoked one. I'm not going to buy a pack after this one runs out. Not for a while.
Davey has noticed that my happiness is just down the tube and he asks me if I'm okay all the time, like every couple of hours. Yesterday when I cried behind my truck he asked what was wrong and let me just lean on him for a minute. Now, though, I'm really okay. Just not a constant stream of smiles. I feel bad because I don't want Davey to think I'm some big downer and now he's stuck with me. It's not like I'm not happy. I'm just tired. Slept 8 hours since Friday at 1.
I want to go take a quick shower. Davey is distracted because he's teaching his friend from out of town how to spin on the tables and he's having a good time. I'm gonna shower and dry my hair tomorrow morning. But for now, smoke.
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[29 Mar 2009|11:27am] |
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mood |
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happy, that's all |
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music |
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Folsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash |
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Last night I partied with Todd and his friends. It was a lot of fun.
I am struck by how much I've changed over the years. I made a point of talking to and having at least a small conversation with everyone at that party. I met so many really nice people and danced to disco for around 45 minutes. Danced so much. It was so much fun.
I haven't had fun like that in I-don't-know-how-long. I don't know how life is so good right now, all I know is that it'll never get any better than this and I have to enjoy it as much as possible.
All I know is right now I could go for one of the two B's (a brew or a bowl) with my favorite B (boyfriend durr). I have to wait until tomorrow, just like the hendrix song says.
Oh and I know I said I was moving on and getting over my alt-country and folk music phase but I can't help the fact that I'm listening to Johnny Cash right now and going to see The Tallest Man on Earth at the Triple Door on Tuesday.
Oh yeah. And Tourettes is such a sweet ass drinking game.
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[28 Mar 2009|10:40am] |
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mood |
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bleh tired |
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music |
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Dave spinning again |
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Well look at that. Apparently both of those posted without my knowing. Well fug it. Sue me.
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[28 Mar 2009|10:01am] |
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I just made some big retarded post and it got lost somewhere in cyberspace. Too bad so sad, can't rewrite. It's stogie time.
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[28 Mar 2009|09:38am] |
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music |
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Dave spinning on the turntables |
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I am at Dave's brother's house. Dave is spinning on the turntables and sounding good, man, good.
I feel sort of lame and useless here but am I ever glad I didn't go to that rave, i'm way too exhausted and boring right now to dance much less do it all night.
Unfortunately I just realized I can update my LJ from my blackberry, shit what will I do now? I'll be updating this bullshit every day. Haha. Bet you can't wait. Today is just a bleh day. Also glad I didn't have that Molly, the shit that wouldve followed might have fucked me over for all I know. I know I seem spaced out, i'm just ridiculously tired and listening to Dave spin downtempo electronica which is only putting me to sleep more. I mean, he does a good job. Great maybe. I can't tell. It's just, well, downtempo. And like I said, tired.
I'm considering heading home soon to watch either planet Earth or Sin City, the only two movies I ever even watch anymore. Also I sometimes watch The Big Lebowski. Fuck, I just remembered my computer is broken. Gotta fix that tomorrow. And get my hair cut. Find out about that Brand New concert. I would have told Eric about it probably buy we're not on speaking terms. I couldn't give a fuck. He's such a drama queen: "how could you do this to me?!" Fuck!!
Oh fuck Davey is bringing in the hip hop which he's so into and I love that. If you could see us now, you would see this:
A small room between a kitchen and a cluttered living room. At the turntables, wearing clunky black headphones and bobbing his head in a perfect rhythm is David. He's wearing his intense face which is really just a squint 'cause he refuses to wear his glasses most days. And me, in the corner of the room on some big hippie chair, crosslegged and semi-attentive. I am wearing my loose bluejeans. Since that Friday, all my jeans are loose. I'm wearing the hoodie he made for me and it covers his robot chain that he put around my left wrist. Tied to his right is the hemp bracelet I made in my post-op vicodin-induced stupor.He turns and says something, I respond with an all but bored sounding "you sound good".
That's what you'd see if you could see us. We're listening to Deltron. It's fucking rad.
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[25 Mar 2009|10:15pm] |
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I don't know how to talk about or explain everything that's happened since two weeks ago today when Eric and I broke up.
When I ended things, I'd done it with every intention of taking some time for myself. I wanted to "find myself" or some bullshit like that.
I'm constantly bemused by what everyone has to say about my life. Everyone has their own little opinion because everyone cares. The truth is, I can only take everyone's opinion into account so much. At the end of the day, I'm listening to myself this time.
I'm doing everything different this time. I'm throwing out my old rule book. I'm not telling myself that I should or should not be happy. I'm not pretending until it's true anymore. I'm not really taking things slow, either. I'm not protecting my heart with layers of apathy. I'm not the least bit concerned with a backup plan.
I'm in love.
I'm in fairy tale, storybook, nonexistent love. And maybe it's completely wrong that I am, I don't know. Maybe I should be shutting this out because it was just way too fast and too soon and everything. But I won't. I'm sick to DEATH of talking myself out of my own happiness. This time, I'm going to fall as hard and fast as my heart pleases. If we burn each other alive with this fire we're stoking, then so be it. If I get my heart broken, then so be it. It will be worth it.
Every second I spend with Dave gives me unprecedented joy. Joy I didn't even know existed.
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| Nothing ever ends. |
[10 Mar 2009|03:30am] |
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music |
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Welcome to Detroit by J Dilla |
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Watchmen was not bad. I liked it.
In other news, I'm doing bad things again, like getting high on school nights when I have papers to write and things to do. I've been kissed recently, which is a nice feeling. The subsequent excitement was almost worrying, maybe I depend on that stuff too much or maybe not. Maybe I'm really just human.
C was being completely unhelpful today, saying intelligent things when I was in no way able to comprehend them. Someday, he and I will talk things through and he'll tell me just what he means with all of his cryptic bullshit. I wonder how fucking that girl is going for him. I wonder, too, if my jealousy is as obvious as it feels.
I get annoyed with Eric over every nitpicky little thing. I have zero patience or tolerance for so many things he does and says. Today he told me to "do well on my paper" and my head about exploded but my voice just spat a controlled, "why do you always say shit like that?" He got all quiet and realized exactly what I meant and how we'd talked about it before. I don't care. Maybe he'll fix it and be the most perfect boyfriend in the world. Maybe C is right and "my feelings can't lie" so I should quit disregarding them and pretending them away. Dan the Nite Owl in Watchmen says, "If he's pretending, he cares." Well let's see, Sternberg's love triangle says that love with commitment but without passion or intimacy is called "empty love", and how fitting a title it is. It feels like nothing, which isn't like love at all. I've never felt anything like this before.
And maybe I bring it upon myself because of the way I let other men into my heart so easily, and the way I move so unwanted into theirs. What I do is called encroaching, and I do it when I want. Sometimes I pick something or someone to want and then I get it no problemmo. Somewhere along the line I decided I wanted this and so I went for it, and somehow it fell into my lap tonight in the form of a hug that felt like sex, no joke. I couldn't even breathe after. Wild.
Also, hello, I love being a music director.
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[17 Feb 2009|05:38am] |
I've been unbelievably busy as of late
Filling up all my time with work and school and people
Injecting someone into every waking moment
Doing stupider and stupider things with regards to my relationship, bringing up more and more arbitrary problems, exploding them into something more important than they are
Being told that I am the cause of all these problems, and having that be the truth
I'm pretty sure I'm anemic which means I need to buy iron supplements again, probably from Fred Meyer. But besides this feeling of tiredness and weakness I also feel listless and slightly depressed, like nothing I feel is complete happiness. When the real truth is, the happiness I want has to be created and let in. I simply ask far too much of those around me and give too little.
The best moment of my day actually arose because my friends and I are just such stoners these days and that's the only thing that makes me smile anymore which is so bad, I need to get a grip and get ahold of myself. The lowest moment was having Eric tell me that I'm not putting enough in and that's why I'm not getting what I want out of the relationship. I hate how everyone is somehow more mature and more intelligent and more rational than I am. It makes me want to kill everyone I love because they know more than me and that infuriates me to no end. It's not that I want so badly to be the best, I just HATE having people tell me things I already get just because they think I'm stupid. I also hate when people are smarter than me and get this whole condescending, patronizing bullshit going on. I can't take that anymore. It's happened to me with THREE of my favorite people in the world and I just can't TAKE it anymore, like when did I get so LEFT BEHIND and when did everyone get so SELF-RIGHTEOUS.
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[14 Jan 2009|06:15pm] |
I tried to write something beautiful here
Not only did it sound pretentious
It was ugly
And I realized
I don't know how to write
And I never will
So fuck my dreams
And fuck following them
All they ever do is disappoint anyways.
My dissatisfaction is partly because I talked to Eric and he's so sure of where he's going and he has been for so long. At least he's smart enough to see how lucky he is. I am one of many who has gone to university just to realize that I can't think of anything that will truly make me happy in this world. I've also come here to learn that I can't save everyone, and my friends will not give up their habits just to keep from breaking my heart.
I'm not altogether displeased with the whole experience. I think that working and classes and wasting time and exercise have left me missing my friends, the few people I actually care about in this hellhole, who I am scared to leave because I am bad at making friends. Really I only like a few people here anymore. After seeing K this summer and after C and Elliot left, I've realized that no one here is really that great.
And I miss all of them so much.
Can't we all just live on an island together where we don't have to deal with people I don't like?
PS. I want that Assistant Music Director job.
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[13 Jan 2009|05:01pm] |
I like my classes this quarter. More on this later.
Time to go work out.
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